Doc Rivers And The Boston Celtics

Really, you don’t think my mouth is big? Look at that shit! Your momma could stick her whole pussy in that shit! Why’re you lookin at the court, look at my mouth, son!

While the Celtics lived up to all the hype during the regular season, posting the NBA’s best record, they have yet to win a playoff game on the road. And when you have three experienced veterans who all been to at least a conference finals, that’s inexcusable. When it comes to blame, I look no further than Doc Rivers. All season long I had laughed at how easy it was for the Celtics to beat their opponents. They relied on isolation plays and leaned on the fact that they had two dominant scorers and one MVP candidate. They played like the failed Team USA’s of the past, a collage of individual effort. And at home, in the garden, that can get you a win, because those 17 to 20 footers will fall. But on the road, this won’t work all the time, especially not in the playoffs when teams key in on defense. On the road, a team needs to have the confidence and execution to score close to the bucket with consistency.

You can’t just rely on Paul Pierce to isolate on the road and expect to win. All year, I cant remember seeing a Paul Pierce / Kevin Garnett pick and roll play. The simplest play in basketball, with two guys who have executed it to success their entire career, and I haven’t seen it once all year. When you need easy buckets to slow down a hot team at home, you need to employ simple, team basketball. And although Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett are consummate professionals, it seems they’ve forgotten how to do this on the road. But that’s not why they make money - they make money to play ball. Your coach is supposed to get paid to think.

At any rate, the Celtics need to step it up. It’s bad enough to be black in Boston. If you’re black and you fuck up in a championship situation, no matter how good you are, you’ll get your ass let go in Boston. See: Asante Samuel. Then again, maybe this is the Celtic’s master plan… leave Boston AND fuck their chances at success.. genius!

Mike Brown and the Cleveland Cavaliers

Mike Brown loves big tits

On the Cavaliers side, I’ll say this. As good as you think Lebron James is, you really haven’t seen shit yet. If Lebron ever lands on a team with an actual basketball coach, who can form a team attack around the young, basketball-intelligent superstar, Lebron James can truly be the next “Michael Jordan,” some godly figure we’ve built up over the post-retirement years.

But you could also easily reason that Lebron is just 23. Makes all your achievements at that age seem pretty pathetic doesn’t it? The next step for Lebron has nothing to do with athleticism; it’s a deeper education of basketball that he needs. All the great players have been under equally great coaches at some point in their career; Lebron has yet to be with a coach of any real stature. And for the past three years, whenever I watch the Cavs play, I always find myself asking,

What exactly does Mike Brown do to make his paycheck?

I never see these guys running any plays, whatsoever. They play hard D, they run the break, and then in the half court, they pass it to Lebron, who improvises. Lebron James, for his entire life (save for Team USA appearances) has basically been able to do whatever he wants on the court. If he could play in a system where he could score off the ball as well as with the dribble, he could become even more dominant. But again, these “systems” run “complex” plays, and Mike Brown doesn’t coach or run plays. At all. Until Lebron gets a real Coach, he never gets a championship, and the same go for the Celtics.

Basketball is an offensive game, and coaching it should always heavily involve running an offense. Bottom line, both these teams have unexploited talent because their coaches don’t know how to operate an offense. Phil Jackson gets hall of fame caliber talent and wins with it. Mike Brown and Doc Rivers just watch it play for them.

And here’s the best thing about Boston - that’s right, just when you thought you already heard the dumbest spelling of a name, here comes Jennafa.

-Hey man, I’d do her.

4.) All this whining going on by the players trying to get fouls called. It’s the worst part of every sport, shut up and play the game.

3.) Boris Diaw makes bad decisions (on and off the court).

Every time they went to him when he was matched up against Ginobili down the stretch - a definite size mis-match - Boris Diaw could not come up big. The Shaq trade was dumb enough by itself, but if anyone truly blew it for the Suns, it would have to be big disappointment Boris Diaw.

2.) The fact that Boston’s doing well, and I have to look at an arena full of white people cheering 5 black dudes every night. If there was any modern day allegory for slavery, it would be sports, and it would be in Boston. Just ask Tom “I fuck models now but back in the day I’d be a slave master” Brady.

1.) Kobe Bryant Winning the MVP, and me having to see him kissing on his family and shit afterwards. Nice try, but America still thinks your a dick Kobe.

And now, here’s one for all you diabetics / Bronco Fans out there:

-Hey man, i’d do her

has to be David Stern. It doesn’t make any sense. In so many ways, he is the EXACT OPPOSITE of the face of the business he represents, the NBA.

How does a league full of freaks of nature get represented by a short jew? There aren’t any jewish players in the NBA that I give a shit about anyway. And I start this off with David Stern because all of the shit I hate about the NBA, he’s responsible for.

Oh my gaaawwd. I think my hemaroid just burst.

I mean, how do you get that job anyway? Shaq should really step up and try to make a run at the commissioner spot as soon as David Stern’s about to drop his load. He’s got an MBA, and nobody can ever say no to him. How else do you think this happened? He’d be the most electrifying commissioner ever, guaranteed.

The best thing about the NBA playoffs

Is still Game One of the Suns / Spurs series. And that’d be a bigger deal if that were still a series, and not a upcoming first round sweep. While there have been some decent games, nothing has matched that one in terms of thrill factor, and with what went down in San Antonio that night, I don’t think we’re gonna see a better game than that one. But you never know with the NBA.

But anyway, the second best thing would have to have been game 4 between the Cavs and the Wiz. Gilbert Arenas gets the luckiest shot of his life to drop, but it was for not as LeBron James dishes out for a game winning three.

Talking shit

What really brings attention to that series is all that bullshit DeShawn Stevenson talks. He’s not even the 3rd best player on that team, and he goes after one of the top 3 players in the League. The more I hear, combined with the flagrant foul in the 1st quarter against James by Stevenson, the more I respect. Get yours, young buck. That boy aint shit, and you let him know that. It makes for good TV.

Iron Man

being a fag comic anyway, Robert Downey Junior should be a good match for this movie, but really he should never be a super hero. Why does every playoff series for the past few years seem to be tied into a movie release? And with the continued theme of sport being as epic as Jessica Alba and 3 lame dudes? I’m not even sure if that’s an under or overrating.

Playoff Debuts

Chris Paul’s obviously had the best playoff debut of any player in awhile, but Al Horford’s also been impressive with 20 and 10 in his first two starts against Boston, though both were losses. This year’s had a lot of strong youth stepping up, the least of which would be LeBron, but definitely next on the list would be this chick…

…cause that shit looks pretty firm to me, I bet her ball-handles is TIGHT.

-Hey man, I’d do her.

And his name is Andrei Kirilenko.

AK-47 completely tired out T-Mac tonight and thus shut the Rockets out from any viable chances of beating the Jazz in this series. Deron Williams is the shit, yes, and Carlos Boozer looks much better in HD without the acne, yes.

But AK-47 is that guy who will get you deep in the playoffs by shutting down your opponent’s greatest scoring threat, night in and night out.

In fact, his key offensive rebound at the end of the game will of course get no mention, because immediately after making the board, AK passed off to the world’s most OVERrated white player -

-That’s right, you guessed it - Kyle Korver. That pretty boy Ashton Kutcher wannabe can kiss my ass.

What if you were little and a fan of the Sixer’s and your mom got you those valentines day cards to give out to the class? That’d be fucking embarassing. But back to that dude from Rocky…

Besides being in the world’s most awesome training montage, AK-47 gets to bone whoever he wants. Well for at least once a year. That wife of his is pretty cute. And they sure do make a cute couple…

Wow. Shit dude, my bad, this blog got kind of gay, and I don’t mean in the sexual way. I mean in the worst way possible.

While we’re talking about overrated white players, let’s not forget Peja Stojakavich - the former world’s MOST overrated white player. Remember when people actually made Larry Bird comparisons to him that one year Chris Webber went out and he drained some threes? Racism. Pure racism dude. Now it seems that everyone’s come back down to their senses and reminded themselves that he’s just a guy who roams around the arc and pops threes… like every other “great” white role-player.

So until the Hornets win the championship later this year, Peja’s gonna avoid the white media shining their pride on him. But he’ll always have my back, cause even if his wife doesn’t let him fuck other bitches, his wife is fucking SLAMMING.

-Hey man, I’d do her.

FOLLOW UP:

I know he flopped at the end of the game, but at least AK did it one some other white (he’s probably not white but I don’t fucking care I’m a racist) dude. And it won them the game. Remember, Bill Bellichick was a winner, na’mean?

Because it’d be ridiculous for him to win the MVP over Chris Paul. For those that keep forgetting, MVP stands for Most Valuable Player, and how is Kobe Bryant more valuable to the LA Lakers than Chris Paul is to the New Orleans Hornets?

Absurd. Abso-fucking-lutely absurd if you’re going to convince me Kobe Bryant does a more award worthy job of making his teammates better than Chris Paul. Lamar Odom has always been a chronic underachiever, if Kobe truly had the abilities worthy of an MVP, Odom would be an all star. With his no so ironic combination of athletic ability and the lack of killer instinct, it takes a true point guard to make a player like that good.
Players “like that” include:

1. Tyson Chandler
2. David West
3. Mo Peterson
4. Ever other bum on that Hornets squad

My point is, Chris Paul makes every average player on that Hornets team that much better than they are. He is that rare talent that rises the level of his teammate’s play by making it easier for them to shine, and he can still put the ball on the floor and score 30 himself.

He had easily the best opening weekend performance of any player starting in the NBA playoffs this year, making Jason Kidd, an elite NBA defender, look like a chump.

But whatever - Chris Paul makes Tyson Chandler look like an And1 baller on the regular.

Kobe can’t make me do anything other than regret that I wasn’t given Lamar Odom’s chance at being one of the best ballplayers ever.

I know he’s the best player in the league, but no one can convince me to not take him over Chris Paul if I were building a team together. Because I’d have to build a team around Kobe Bryant, where with Chris Paul, I could scrape a team together and find myself deep in the playoffs, as in a championship.

Title town’s coming to New Orleans, on the shoulders of the true MVP.

-Hey Man, I’d Do Her

I’m sitting around watching the first game of the Spurs / Suns series, witnessing a completely out of character Tim Duncan draining a crazy clutch 3-pointer (…Tim Duncan behind the line???) against the Suns, and I came to accept the thought that’s been lingering on the outside edges of my brain ever since LSU went 5 for 5 on fourth downs against Florida…

This has been the best season in sports I have ever witnessed, ever.

For you geeks looking for something to hate on - I know you’re out there - I’m defining a “sports” season under the following rules:

1. It begins with the opening kickoff of the first NFL preseason (yeah thats right, I’m including the preseason) and ends with the final bucket of the NBA finals.
2. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not that I don’t like Baseball. I watch the fuck out of it because there’s nothing else to watch in the summer. But I just can’t consider it a real sport - if a fat-ass like David Ortiz is an athlete, I’m a world class sprinter. I really just see it as something you’d play pre, maybe post barbeque. Everyone has a fun time without really breaking a sweat or upsetting a stomach, or doing anything very intensive with a body at all. It’s kind of like watching a more involved version of Badminton. That said, I still do watch Baseball whenever it’s on TV, have a fantasy team, and think that A-Rod’s a piece of shit.
3. International Sports don’t count. AMERICUHH, fuck yeah.

To reiterate, Baseball’s not a real sport. So let’s go over the arguments available for the best year in sports, the 2007-2008 season, ever:

NCAA Football had by far it’s most compelling season ever. No team was ever insusceptible to the upset, and the two teams chosen to play the (now perennially useless) National Championship game was never certain until the very last week of regular season play. Upset after upset after crazy upset - starting with Michigan losing to Appalachian, and ending with West Virginia, on the berth of being the top ranked team at the end of a long season, losing to Pitt. Of course, such an uncertain regular season leading into a boring, predictable (save for the Michigan / Florida bowl game) bowl season BEGGED for a playoffs rather than the financial empires competing, rather than the teams that play the game, in a BCS Bowl “series.”

NCAA Basketball had one of it’s most compelling freshmen classes ever in the wake of the now years old rule holding high schoolers back from entering the pros immediately. There was more talent coming into the tournament than in recent memory, which was well on display with a final four containing all four #1 seeds playing against each other. And what a final game - exciting as it was, we really learned that John Calipari is not the great coach that powered Memphis to a one lost season, and we learned that Derek Rose is the kid who took a good team and made them great.

NFL Football had in my opinion, it’s best season ever. Yeah, ok, I’m a Giants fan. But what made the season so great (I love and hate saying this all at the same time) was the New England Patriot’s perfect regular season. They, in my opinion, were the best team to ever play football for a year in the NFL. The way they lit up their opponents in the first and for portions of the second half of the season was amazing to watch. And then, their last opponent in the regular season FINALLY had their QB come together, and as a team, they proved that anyone can be beaten. From the Patriot’s perfection rose Eli Manning’s poise and the unthinkable truly happened. That cold $300 I won on the game wasn’t so bad either.

NHL Hockey was fun even for me, a casual hockey fan at best. I’m buying what the NHL is selling - and that’s the fact that Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin are two of the greatest athlete’s I’m gonna see all year. All I can say is hockey has definitely bounced back from it’s recent obscurity. Considering it competes with the NFL and NBA consistently, this is impressive to me. Imagine if they didn’t play baseball when no other sports were going on… where would that fan base’s true alliances lie?

NBA Basketball had the best playoff race ever in the west coast. The math says it all - the top 6 teams in the west within 2 games of each other - all SIX of them. And on the opening day of the playoffs, we see a 2-OT thriller between the now re-occurring second round match up of powerhouses Phoenix Suns and San Antonio Spurs - in the very first round. In the east coast, we have the emergence of a man - Lebron James - and the possible daybreak of an old Boston Dynasty re-born. This normally would piss me off, but any Boston team that only has one white player on it is OK by me.

Now, I’m gonna sit back and soak in the best Playoffs I’m ever going to see - and I’d suggest you do the same. The season’s almost over here.

If you don’t share my opinions, I’m sure I won’t have to do any convincing of this,

- Hey man, I’d do her.